wellthengameover:

holmesno:

i was rewatching the tarmac scene and i just noticed john’s little sigh when sherlock is talking about this probably being the last conversation that they will ever have and it’s just like he’s preparing himself for the conversation that follows because he just knows that he can’t lose sherlock again but he’s going to and he’s repressing all those emotions and pretending that everything is fine because that’s the only way he can get through this

Thank god; I’ve been saying this for ages - John knows it’s a suicide mission, or at least that he’s never going to see Sherlock again:

He’s right there:

SHERLOCK: Since this is likely to be …

… the last conversation I’ll have with John Watson …

John’s eyes flick to them; then he looks away and down and takes a shaky breath (you can hear it in the video). There’s no reason for the camera to cut to John’s face except to tell the audience that he heard. He knows. He just can’t let himself believe it. He knows because he asks Sherlock about itin a moment… but he lets Sherlock tell him it’s nothing, probably because he thinks it’s kinder than making Sherlock say it out-loud:

SHERLOCK: Who knows?

He knows. He looks away when Sherlock says that. You can see him trying not to cry in the first picture. But what’s he supposed to say? “I love you, I love you, don’t leave me again; let me come with you?” He doesn’t think Sherlock wants to hear that. Especially when Sherlock makes - what John thinks is - a stupid, throw-away joke about naming his daughter after him.

They both know where Sherlock’s going, they both know the other one knows, and they both want to finally say it, but they both think the other one doesn’t want to hear it. Sherlock tries to say it, even, but John can’t hear it.

John’s been looking away, Sherlock starts to say “John… there’s something…” and John whips his head around so fast it’s surreal:

There are only so many things that can follow the beginning of that sentence. John is so focused on Sherlock at this moment. He’s like ”Jesus, Jesus, he can’t mean…? Poker face, Watson.” And then Sherlock ends with “Sherlock’s actually a girl’s name.” And John thinks the whole thing is just a joke, his feelings are just a joke; he just got his hopes up - probably for the first time since Irene - and what he just heard was “LOL PSYCH!” And what’s worse: feelings in general are a joke. John’s thinking: “Sherlock had to know how the beginning of that sentence sounded and he thought it’d be funny to pretend like he could be in love. ‘Course he did.” Of course John’s a little snappy about the name. And just like any other time things start to get really emotional, one of them backs it off as a joke, like John does here. “If I make it a joke, he can’t really be going to die, right??”

As helenodd has pointed out:

If John is in the mindset that Sherlock is in love with Mary in [the tarmac] scene, then he might have a different understanding of what “I always meant to say” means and Sherlock’s half-joke half-request to name the baby after him.